Can’t find lyrics right now…
I’m not used to scoring below the average on anything. So when it happened stats, I wrote it off as a one-time thing never to happen again. But I got my econ midterm back today; I got a 67. Now that wouldn’t be so bad if the average were around a 60 like I expected, but the average was a 70. Now I’m screwed—in stats, in econ. Not to mention the research paper I was supposed to email my partner yesterday but haven’t written yet.
I’m sitting outside Oxley’s right now. On a bench, just kind of people-watching. I’ve got a large caramel macchiato with an extra shot of espresso, music, and I’m texting up a storm. I just really feel the need to connect with people right now for some reason, which is unusual for me. I’m usually a hardcore introvert. But today I’m reaching out. Maybe not today, but right now. Probably because everything else I had is gone. I’m not smart anymore, I’m losing my athleticism, I’m too tired to have any kind of personality—everything that I had is gone so I’m making up for it. I need people.
“I hate when people with accents talk to me and I can’t understand them. Also, I got a 67 on my econ midterm and keep running into trees. But how are you?” I sent this text to about five different people. This, my friends, is my day.
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Two weeks left and everything is falling apart. I’m not going to my classes or doing my homework or putting the effort into my commitments that they deserve. It’s because, with so few days left, I want to spend as much time as I can with the people I won’t be able to see regularly when summer comes. I don’t care if that means not sleeping on weekends or putting off work till twenty minutes before it’s due—it’s worth it to me.
But I can’t let myself slip so much. Starting today, in four hours, I’m going to class, I’m doing homework, and I’m regaining my focus. Because I need to.
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I’ve reached the halfway point with my meal swipes—I’ve got 50 left. For the first time since day one of the quarter, I’m sitting in stats lecture. I had gone to the RPAC for coffee and a bagel before class—there went my 51st swipe—and now I’m just sitting around waiting for class to start. I’m only here because we have our second midterm on Wednesday, and this is the last lecture before then. I’ve got cramming to do.
I didn’t do any homework at all over the weekend. Instead, I spent the time with friends partaking in randomness. With only a few weeks left in the quarter, I can’t imagine doing anything else with my time. I’ll do fine in my classes, but I don’t want to regret not spending this time with the people who’ve changed my life.
I’m looking forward to next year so much. Most of my friends will be living off campus, and even though I won’t be anywhere near them, I’m really hoping we hang out all the time. My scheduling is done for autumn, and I’ve got only 14 credit hours—three classes. I’m anticipating my extracurriculars to catch up with me, though; I’m going to have to be committed to Fisher Ink and JUROS, the journal of undergraduate research. So that’s why I’ve allotted time for that.
I’ve got an accounting internship this summer. I start the Monday I get back. I don’t even know what accounting really is yet, so I don’t know what I’m going to be able to do. Honestly, I don’t really think accounting is for me. But I guess I won’t know until I try. I’m doing the honors accounting program next year, so I’m really glad that I’m going to have experience before I start with that. And I’ll even get a head start on finding out if this is really where I belong. Most people I know think I’m much more suited for an English major. I never argue with them.
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Broadway is dark tonight.
“whats going to happen when we go back home”
I was kind of blindsided by that question. Not because I hadn’t given it much thought, but because it’s been all I have been able to think about for the past few weeks. For the first time in my life, I don’t want school to end. I don’t know if anyone realizes how much I’m going to miss them, because I’ve never been good at expressing how I feel. But, honestly, I’m dreading the summer. I’m dreading the drive home. I don’t want to have to say goodbye to the people I’ve grown so close to. Because I can’t help but think that maybe this goodbye will actually be goodbye; maybe things won’t pick up where they left off. We’re all going back to different places, back to different worlds with different people and different lives. And I fear more than anything that our old lives, our new lives, won’t meld the way I want need them to. It’s less than a month away now, and I couldn’t care less about my classes or my finals or my extracurricular obligations. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself if the relationships I’ve made here don’t survive outside of the campus; I won’t be able to handle not talking to my friends regularly or spending the occasional weekend with them. I really hope I can adjust to summer, at least a little bit, because I don’t want to be miserable. I’ve had an amazing quarter and a life-changing year. It’s too soon to stop.
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Here’s a haiku edition of my blog. Maybe I’ll make it a Tuesday tradition. It’s mostly because I don’t know what else to write about, but I really want to write something, anything. So with 12 minutes before class starts, here I go:
The breeze from outside
blows through the open window
and sets my thoughts free.
9 minutes to go
before I’m quizzed on the things
from the class I skipped.
Pri isn’t here yet.
I don’t know why I notice
or why I still care.
The petals rain down
from the tops of lofty trees.
They fall till they land.
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My music library underwent a fantastic explosion today. Mary introduced me to Sea Wolf, and once I started to look into them, the domino theory—in part responsible for the death of communism—took effect and I was on an indie music binge. Sea Wolf, Seabear (strange coincidence), Division Day, Great Northern, Rogue Wave, The Most Serene Republic, Shout Out Louds, Portugal the Man—the list goes on.
With the quarter winding to a quick end, I’ve started reflecting on the person I came here as and comparing him to the person I hope to leave here as. I didn’t learn as much in the classroom as I expected. I ended up skipping more classes than I should have, slacking hardcore on my assignments, and doing just enough to do well in each class. I’m not dedicated to my studies, I’ve packed myself with more extracurriculars than I can effectively handle, and anything that I’ve done to put on a résumé was just that.
Sure, I’ve accomplished so much more than I expected of myself when I arrived on campus. I have yet to get any grade lower than an A-, I’m a section editor for the journal of undergraduate research (JUROS), and am transitioning to the role of Content Editor-in-Chief of Fisher Ink right now. I guess I’ve got a lot going for me, and I can’t say I’m disappointed. But if there’s anything I learned this year, it’s that there’s so much that doesn’t matter with regard to “what’s important in college” and that, sometimes, it’s better to “waste your time” with friends.
I’ve met some of the most amazing people this year—especially in the last two weeks. But to get here I’ve had to take so much flak and leave so many people behind. It hurts to grow as a person, to know when you need to move on. It hurts even more to not look back at the damage you’ve caused. Because you wonder about how these people’s lives would have been without you, about how your life would have been without them. I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I realized that I’m self-centered and shallow. I don’t put enough effort into people as I need to, and I don’t care as much as I should. I say I try, but I know I could do so much more. I’ve realized how necessary people are in my life, and I’m getting better at dealing with that and learning how to handle whatever circumstances I’m drawn into because of it.
I’m not used to a lot of this. I’m sick of making excuses for my inability to read people, to know what’s appropriate, to know when I’ve done something wrong. I don’t want to be the person riding the learning curve the whole way; it’s not fair to anyone who has to put up with me. And this is what I’m going to take home with me this summer. I’m not going to remember any of the material on my anthropology midterm, but I’m going to know my strengths and weaknesses better, and I’m going to know who I can call when I pass a sushi restaurant in my hometown.
I don’t want to think about the person I was before coming to OSU anymore. Because I’m no longer that person, and I have so many people to thank for that. College has been the best experience of my life so far—and I know that sounds so trite, but until you’ve experienced it you have no idea. With all the bad that’s come along with this year, keeping in mind everything I’ve lost and sacrificed, I know I’m leaving here next month a better person.
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It’s been a while since I last posted; I guess I’ve been busy. The weather’s been amazing—we’re talking temps in the upper 70s, cloudless skies, and gentle breezes. I’ve been running every day this week, mostly in a (as of now) vain attempt to tan. I’m horribly white.
The Oval is like a beach. I left econ class on Tuesday to go sit out on the Oval and read. It was really distracting. People were lying out on beach towels soaking up the sun, others were playing Frisbee—it was all excessively collegiate. Except for that giant duck out there; I still don’t know what was up with that.
I already decided I’m not going to stats lecture tomorrow. It’s my only class on Friday and it just brings my whole day down to have to wake up for that 9 a.m. class. I haven’t been to stats lecture in weeks, and my grade is starting to show it. Plus I have no idea how to calculate probability. I should probably learn that before our second midterm.
We’ve only got six weeks left in the quarter. I’ve already scheduled for autumn and most of my friends at other colleges are either done or will be done in the next week or so. I really don’t want to leave. Leaving means getting back to the “life” I had before college. It means going to my internship every day instead of going to classes. It means my curfew is reinstated. I’m really going to miss so many people I’ve met this year; I really hope we’ll be able to pick up where we left off in the fall. For the friends who live kind of near me, you should come visit or let me know when I can come visit you! Maybe I’ll be just spontaneous and unpredictable and just show up at your door one day—life’s always better that way.
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